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00200	C REC  PAGE   DESCRIPTION
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00400	C00002 00002	\\M0BDR25\M1BDI25\M2XMAS25\F0
00500	C00014 00003	\F2\CChapter the Fourth 
00600	C00024 00004	\F2\CChapter the Sixth 
00700	C00040 00005	\F2\CChapter the Ninth  \F0 \J "I  don't know what Freddy's  told you
00800	C00059 00006	delightful as  to hire me  even though I  don't have  any references.
00900	C00086 00007	
01000	C00100 ENDMK
01100	C⊗;
     

00100	\\M0BDR25;\M1BDI25;\M2XMAS25;\F0
00200	\C\F2My Life In The Savage Wild
00300	\F0
00400	\J	As I  stepped  all unsuspecting  through the  verdant  growth of  the
00500	well-nigh  oppressively luxuriant  jungle, my swarthy  native bearers
00600	cutting huge swathes  of foliage from  the impenetrable forest  ahead
00700	of us  as we traveled,   I  little suspected what  unforeseen thrills
00800	lay  before  me  in that  steaming  wilderness  with  its innumerable
00900	pitfalls for  the  unwary. When,  seven  months before,  an  innocent
01000	'white  man', I  had  come to  this  untamed wild,  attracted by  the
01100	whispered  legends   of   'adventure'  that   world-weary   travelers
01200	exchanged in the  smoky illicit bars so  dear to the denizens  of the
01300	underworld  from Singapore  to Oslo,  I  little suspected  what might
01400	befall me.  If I could have indeed foreseen...well, perhaps  it would
01500	have  made but  little  difference, for  the pull  of  the exotic  is
01600	strong  in the blood of a few Englishmen,   in whom perhaps the blood
01700	of  Vikings   runs:  who   can  say?  not   I,  for   all  my   Saxon
01800	forebears...anyway, there  I was.
01900	
02000		Suddenly,  from behind one  of those
02100	tussocks' of  verdiage so  common to  the African  jungles, so  laden
02200	with myth  at the evening  firesides of  the simple blackamoors,  who
02300	have  always lived  in fear,  as  their fathers  did before  them, of
02400	every unknown menace held by their fearful surround,  there  darted a
02500	tiny  man  of  singularly  repulsive aspect,  someat  akin  to  those
02600	'kobolds',   'nixies',   'trolls',   and   other   hideous  legendary
02700	half-humans found in the folklore  of every nation, be it high,   or,
02800	as in this  case,  lowly,  panting, gasping,   with strings of saliva
02900	(stained red by the  juice of the  ubiquitous kola-nut) pendant  from
03000	his twisted  mouth,  muttering  feverishly "Bwana...Bwana!",   as the
03100	simple  darkies styled all Europeans.
03200	
03300		How can I describe  to you, my
03400	gentle reader,   curled  as  perhaps you  are by  one of  those  dear
03500	homely English firesides, your heart  mayhap beating a little quicker
03600	as  you  peruse  these  modest  pages,  how  I,  at  that moment,  an
03700	Englishman born  and bred, a  true son  of the  Empire, felt in  that
03800	bizarre place, confronted  by this figure of the  grotesque?  Well, I
03900	just cannot do it, that's  all. I might as  well just quit right  now
04000	in fact. What's the use, I ask you?  what's the use?
04100	
04200	
04300	\C\F2Chapter the Second
04400	\F0
04500	\J	Darkness was  falling around  our small  and intrepid  band, yet  the
04600	lurid menace of the  region was not one whit abated,  and my ignorant
04700	heathen bearers  clustered  together, crossing  themselves,  with  no
04800	true  conception yet  of the  One in  whom their  all rested,  of One
04900	whose  backward children they were, and  muttering 'Praise Allah' and
05000	'Ztangi save us',  but in no wise  concious of the growing  danger of
05100	our  exposed position  was  the dwarfish  little  man. "Bwana  ...oh,
05200	Bwana!" gasped  he all  heedless  of the  blood, sweat,  and  spittle
05300	which eddied on his  wrinkled ebony hide, "Bwana help  us!", and with
05400	those  enigmatic words in  the shrill  aspirant voice of  the native,
05500	made halting by  the intense tropic humidity  which some aver  brings
05600	on premature  rot and  decay of  the vocal  'chords',   he collapsed,
05700	nay,   dissolved,  into a piteous  and nonetheless disgusting heap at
05800	my very feet, clad  as they were in safari  boots, a piece of  gear I
05900	would reccommend  no European in these desolate  parts to be without.
06000	What a  sight!  Cautiously  my  primitive  lackeys  with  new-lighted
06100	torches,   which the child-like  native loves  and cannot be  trusted
06200	alone with,  lest he should set himself alight,  or worse,  burn down
06300	the entire enclosure  and its  contents,  human  or otherwise,  moved
06400	forward in order  to get a more than distant  glimpse of this strange
06500	apparition  which at  first  had frightened  them so,   and  at whom,
06600	indeed, I  still  could catch  nervous looks  and  those archaic  and
06700	perhaps as some speculate, inborn,  signs used by so many cultures to
06800	ward off  the 'Evil  Eye',  being directed.  A  feeling of  the  most
06900	primitive  fear and  ennui  swept  over me.  Indeed,  sa I  sit  here
07000	writing  in the security  of my oaken  headquarters, it  again, in no
07100	wise lessened,  sweeps  over  me.  Especially the  ennui.  Enough  is
07200	enough, as  the Arab said. Fuck  this shit.
07300	
07400	
07500	\F2\CChapter  the Third
07600	\F0
07700	\J	Words failing  me in my fruitless attempt, dear  reader, to try and express
07800	for your  understanding and  edification the 'gestalt'  of that  most
07900	primitive of feelings, or perhaps  I should say 'states of mind', for
08000	surely that is slightly the more accurate mode of expression,  futile
08100	as it is, I shall continue in my humble  narrrative in the hopes that
08200	it may  prove of even small  interest to those of  you who have never
08300	come to  know some  of the  deeper mysteries  of  the so-called  (and
08400	aptly so) 'Dark' Continent,  and yet have wanted to do  so. Had I the
08500	tongue  or pen of- but no matter!-  (dear reader, continue if you can
08600	to bear  with me)  realising that  the little  man, if  'man' he  can
08700	indeed be  justly termed, so  dwarfish and repellent  was his aspect,
08800	was in no state to be humoured or to have his, apparently, to him  at
08900	least, vital  account drawn out  of him, such  was the degree  of his
09000	exhaustion   and   agitation,  I   directed   my   trusty  coal-black
09100	head-bearer, Ambrose [born Ngilla  or some such, but rechristened  in
09200	the  True  Faith  Ambrose  Abed-Nego Saint  Clementin],to  truss  the
09300	diminutive  darkie and hand him into the  care of his (Ambrose's) son
09400	Gabriel, a stalwart  lad not  one whit lighter  than his father,  but
09500	with perhaps  a sharper understanding  of our European,  or, I should
09600	say, Anglo-Saxon, ways and  means while the rest  of us proceeded  to
09700	set up camp.
09800	
09900		That this  was swiftly done, aye,  in the space  of an
10000	hours   time,  including  the  gathering   of  combustibles  for  the
10100	evening's bonfire,  so necessary to  security in  the dense  tropical
10200	wilderness,  may  surprise  the   gentle  perusers  of  these  pages,
10300	thinking   as  one  so   naturally  and  immediately   does,  of  the
10400	comparatively barren  English heaths  and woodlands, not  that I,  in
10500	any way,  would slight my native  land, quite the contrary,   but one
10600	who has never  seen with his  own faithful eyes  the incredible,  the
10700	unbelievable richness  and abundance of  supply of every  human need,
10800	albeit  in  somewhat  crude  form,  in  the African  jungle:firewood,
10900	strange fruits, oddly  shaped husky vines,  the peculiar and  teeming
11000	undergrowth, the trees  big enough for seven grown  men, even Swedes,
11100	to  stand in comfort  inside of,   the Bush  chock-full of indiginous
11200	wildlife, cannot in any way conceive of it. So it goes.
11300	
     

00100	\F2\CChapter the Fourth 
00200	\F0
00300	\J	Not until later when  the thick menacing tropical night  with all its
00400	peculiar and unforgettable  foreboding, the distant or not so distant
00500	roar of  the majestic Lion,  unlike any  other sound  this earth  can
00600	offer in its terrible splendour,  which instinctively sends a shudder
00700	down the  spine of every man, be he native hunter or Queen's subject,
00800	the perpetual ludicrous hoots  of the itinerate ape-tribes,   strange
00900	parodies of  the lower races  of Man, as  they seem to  be, as though
01000	molded in  inferior clay  by our  Maker's hand,  the screams  of  the
01100	gaudy jungle  birds so  unlike our  English tits  and throstles,  the
01200	melancholy  twangs of the  froggies and all  the lesser  fauna of the
01300	wild places who venture  only out at night  in stealth to find  their
01400	sustenance,  and the  far-off slow  murmur of  some turbid  river had
01500	fallen  around  us did  I  again turn  my thoughts  to  the miniscule
01600	stranger, though one  cannot help but reflect  that I,  myself,  may,
01700	perhaps,  have  seemed 'strange'  to  his  queer  sight. My  faithful
01800	Ambrose and  Gabriel  brought  forth  the  miserable  creature,  who,
01900	though  he  was  still gasping  and  weeping,  seemingly  not  having
02000	stopped  since I  had first seen  him, had,  I noticed, not  been too
02100	distraught, judging  by the state  of the  skimpy tunic  in which  my
02200	bearers had kindly  clad him, to dine with the  other darkies on that
02300	revolting  mess of rice, quibah beans, and  kola oil that the natives
02400	can subsist for so long  on: I myself even when in the  deepest wilds
02500	cling  to civilized ways,  having dined,  I see  by my  journal, that
02600	night, on a pleasant  Madeira, fish, a  salad, scalloped taro,  roast
02700	haunch of hartebeest,  new peas, Stilton and mangoes,  finishing with
02800	a  sweet  Port  and  a cigar  (stogy,  or  cheroot,  in the  American
02900	parlance):  believing  as  I   do  that  culinary  appreciation   and
03000	cleanliness are  two of the  first things to  'go' in the  wilds, and
03100	that  this  denotes a  certain regression  that  no white  man should
03200	allow  himself, and  I  composed  myself to  ascertain  the  details,
03300	sordid  as they  might be, of  his strange  tale.
03400	
03500		And, as  he told,
03600	indeed, my amazement and my astonishment grew and grew: as the  night
03700	grew blacker,  the little man's  eyes glowed  stronger and his  voice
03800	came faster,   until...well, you may judge, dear  reader, if I may so
03900	address you,  for yourself. Here  follow his  exact words,   just  as
04000	Gabriel  set  them   down  that  night  (in   'shorthand'  a  strange
04100	heathenish  script in  which he  proved to  be proficient), and  as I
04200	have preserved them.\.
04300	
04400	
04500	\F2\CChapter the Fifth 
04600	\F0
04700	\J	"My name [said the ebon runt in hypnotic tones]  is ffinch-Tocas. Mr.
04800	George Farley  ffinch-Tocas, M.D. to  you. You stare.  You raise your
04900	eyebrows. I assure you that  I speak the truth.  I was not always  as
05000	you see  me  now. I  am in  fact a  Fellow  of the  Royal College  of
05100	Surgeons and an  Englishman born and bred, though my old nurse Bridie
05200	was from Ireland. She instilled in me a tolerance for the  fiery Celt
05300	unusual  in your  average John  Bull. I  was born  and brought  up in
05400	Lancashire.  Lesser Bramley-on-the-Carmichael is my natal town. At an
05500	early age my parents  sent me,  their  only child, to Eton  to hobnob
05600	with the jetset while acquiring  an education. Ah, those were some of
05700	the  happiest   days   of  my   life.   The  ready   cameradie,   the
05800	playing-fields  so  green...!  But  to  continue.  My  father  was  a
05900	well-to-do  country practitioner, sprung  from the  younger branch of
06000	an old Lancashire line  fallen on bad days.  My mother was of  Sussex
06100	stock but no one  ever held it against her. I  went to University and
06200	as  was my father's desire, I followed  his path into Medical School.
06300	There I  went  into the  more prestigious  (and  well-paid) field  of
06400	Tropical Diseases.  (I am the  co-author of the  Childs Little Golden
06500	Book of  Tropical Diseases)  Until a  little while  ago I  was  never
06600	required to leave Albion's  white shore in the course of  my work. So
06700	far-flung  is our Britannic  Empire that  I have been  amply supplied
06800	with  returning Diplomats  and  Army  Officers  who  so  often  bring
06900	strange 'germs' or 'bugs' home  with them from foreign climes. Listen
07000	closely.  I  have never  married. Five  years  ago my  sainted mother
07100	passed on and since then I have lived quite alone. A  year and a half
07200	ago at  a professional meeting  I happened to  fall into conversation
07300	with a fellow-specialist. He invited me  to his home and there I  had
07400	the privelege of meeting his only child,  a daughter, named Clotilde.
07500	Just  eighteen years  of age  and straight out  of a  convent school:
07600	totally unspoiled.  Even the fact  that this  convent upbringing  had
07700	been in County Kerry affected me not  a whit. Need I say more? It was
07800	Love,  and for  both of  us the  first time  we had  ever experienced
07900	those sweet  pangs. For she,  in her shy  way could  not help but  be
08000	aware of  my feelings. Never  would she say  that she loved  me but I
08100	could     not      help     hoping.      Her      eyes...(blue)...her
08200	hair....(golden)...ah,  Clotilde!  After many  months  had  passed  I
08300	brought  myself to ask  her for the  answer to one  question. Might I
08400	ever dare to think of  aspiring? Ask me tomorrow, she said.  Arriving
08500	at her house early  the next day, imagine my horror  to hear that she
08600	had  been taken ill and  could see no one. The  house was filled with
08700	gloom. I rushed to the study of her distraught  father. He groaned to
08800	see me.   "Will she  live?" I cried.  He shook his  head...!"
08900	
09000		At this
09100	point I was forced to have this anomaly clapped in chains again,  as,
09200	in his  savage way, he  was becoming agitated.  I did not  devote any
09300	thought  to his story, preferring,  in that cautious  way peculiar to
09400	the Northern races, to wait until  I had, so to speak, heard all,  if
09500	indeed we can ever  hear 'all' on any one subject,  for does not that
09600	idea  denote  a certain  unEnglish  narrowness of  outlook?  and then
09700	decide. One way or another. As it might be. Besides, I was pooped.\.
09800	
     

00100	\F2\CChapter the Sixth 
00200	\F0
00300	\J	"I perceive  [continued the little  Lascar after  an hour's time  had
00400	elapsed] that  you, Sir, still retain some  doubts as to the veracity
00500	of my admittedly odd tale.  Sobeit. I shall endeavor to convince  you
00600	of my complete truthfulness. To make  a long story short, her father,
00700	Sir  Laurence T- (I dare  not reveal his name more  fully to some one
00800	who,  begging your  pardon,  is  still  a stranger  and  a  none  too
00900	hospitable one)  told me that my  darling had been aiding  him in his
01000	laboratory and had  inadvertently picked  up a  tropical disease  for
01100	which there was no  known cure. This disease, he told  me, produces a
01200	swoon  in its victims  lasting for between  six months  to two years:
01300	then, for two weeks  a raging fever:  then...death! I was in  despair
01400	such  as  I  had never  in  my  life  known.  I had  never  hoped  to
01500	experience  such violence  of feeling  either, I  assure you. I  am a
01600	quiet man.  I  sometimes fear  that  I and  my colleagues  have  lost
01700	something  of  our  temperate  English  composure from  our  even  so
01800	distant connection with the Torrid Zones. Irregardless.  Strraightway
01900	I begged Sir Laurence  to tell me whether there was  no hope whatever
02000	for Clotilde.  And I cannot tell you  adequately of the leaping heart
02100	within me when I heard him say;  "There is one hope for her, I  hope,
02200	and yet  it is so  little hope that I  hesitate to speak  it..." "You
02300	must  tell me,  Sir! "I  cried, "I  should tell  you now that  I have
02400	always cherished the fondest  regard for your daughter. I  would give
02500	up my life that she  might live!" "That won't be necessary. Probably.
02600	I hope." said he. "Well, my boy, I must confess that I have not  been
02700	entirely unaware of this.  Its only natural...let me tell  you all. I
02800	blame  myself..." "Oh,  do  not blame  yourself, Sir!"  I  cried. "be
02900	quiet!" said he. "Let  me go on. I was  saying- yes. I blame  myself.
03000	Clotilde, I  realise so  clearly now,  should never  have been  in my
03100	laboratory.  But  since  my dear  wife  died, she  has  been  my only
03200	consolation,  the only  ray  of  gold  in my  dreary  academic  life.
03300	(Clotilde  means  'golden flower'  in  Thai) So  when  she so  cutely
03400	expressed her innocent desire to help  me in my studies, I  rejoiced.
03500	Yes, I  rejoiced to  see her golden  head bent  over a crucible,  her
03600	lily  fingers holding  a hypo  (Clotilde  means 'plantlike  hands' in
03700	Tagalog), her  blue, oh  how blue!,  eyes scanning  a  data sheet.  I
03800	realise now that I should never  have allowed it. Especially since it
03900	was  in an accident in that same laboratory  that I lost my dear wife
04000	and first baby...but I  consoled my conscience with the  thought that
04100	I do  not as a  rule work with  anything more dangerous  than Angolan
04200	Acne, which  there  is  of  course  no  danger  of  my  English  Rose
04300	contracting.  (Clotilde means  'body  without detectable  blemish  to
04400	naked  eye of tundra  hawk' in Aleut)  How came it,  then, about, you
04500	may ask,  that this  terrible thing  which has  occurred, \F1did\F0  occur?
04600	Well, last night after  you left us, I had an odd  visitor who told a
04700	strange  story..."
04800	
04900		Here  Sir Laurence  paused to  select a  cigar. He
05000	didn't offer me one, I might add.\.
05100	
05200	
05300	\F2\CChapter the Seventh
05400	\F0
05500	\J	Sir  Laurence  puffed  slowly and  then  resumed  his tale:  "I  was
05600	working late, having  dismissed my man and sent  Clotilde off to tidy
05700	the laboratory  before  taking  her  beauty sleep,  when  I  heard  a
05800	tapping at  my door.  Ah, distinctly  I remember,  what my  surprise,
05900	which I  flatter myself I did not betray,  was to behold my long-lost
06000	great-nephew Egfurt Quogue. This  was my sister's only grandson.  Two
06100	years  ago,  while  shooting  Fouebirds in  Darkest  d'Nigo,  he  had
06200	mysteriously  disappeared, and  although we  dispatched no  less than
06300	seven pukka sahibs after him, he was never found...[In  fact, none of
06400	the  pukka  sahibs  were  ever  seen  again either,  wwhich  posed  a
06500	ticklish problem  with  regard  to  their fees.  We  finally  made  a
06600	substantial contribution  to the 'Relicts  of Sahibs' Fund  for their
06700	dependents.] So naturally I was surprised
06800	to see him. He insisted on seeing me at  once, refusing to wait until
06900	business hours  on Monday. He has always  been an impetuous youth and
07000	Time had only succeeded in giving him a slight sunburn, insofar  as I
07100	could determine. He  would not sit down, would not  accept a glass of
07200	cognac,  would  not have  a smoke,  would not  allow  me to  call the
07300	tweeny for  a small tray  of munchies.  After several minutes  pacing
07400	back and forth, however, he  sat down, accepted a drink, and spoke as
07500	follows:\.
07600	
07700	
07800	\F2\CChapter the Eighth 
07900	\F0
08000	\J	"I suppose you've probably been wondering where I was all this  time,
08100	what? I suppose  I should, like the  poet chappie says, begin  at the
08200	beginnng,  what? May I have  another glass of this  jolly wine first,
08300	guvnor, to wet the old whistle as it were, hey? Thanks.  Well, you'll
08400	remember  that me  and Fats  Cebestershire were  shootin in  good old
08500	Darkest  d'Nigo? Well we never  did see h. nor h.,  you might say, of
08600	those foosh  or  what-d'you-may-call-em birds,  and  things began  to
08700	drag, don't y'know, so we  just thought we'd just pop up to Biarritz,
08800	and see  what Pongo  Twistleton-Twistleton was  up to.  Well, on  the
08900	steamer to Biarritz from  Nairobi Fats and I happened to  see a Girl.
09000	I  said to Fats,  "Do you  see that Girl,  Fats?" And he  said, "What
09100	girl?" because he was sea-sick. So I hung around all day,  hopin some
09200	mutual acquaintance would  come along and introduce us,  but no dice.
09300	So when  the steward came by that evening I said to him, "I say, boy,
09400	who is  that dashed beautiful  girl on A  deck?" and  he said to  me,
09500	"Perhaps you have reference  to the unaccompanied young lady with the
09600	new alligator handbag, who has been  engaged in a series of games  of
09700	Patience (with a marked deck) since five  bells this morning, despite
09800	the  motion of the ship?"  And I said  "Rather." and he  said "She is
09900	listed on my  passenger roster as  Lady Sarah  Palindrome." And so  I
10000	gave him another five quid and went  in and told Fats, but he was too
10100	sick to  listen. So I went and played darts. The next day I thought I
10200	would go see if I could fall into conversation with  her, but first I
10300	got sick  too, and I came  to from ravin delirium two  days later and
10400	she was gone!  But as  it happened the  steward chappie  was able  to
10500	tell me,  for  a few  more  quid, that  she'd taken  a  train to  the
10600	casinos at  the last dockin, so  I told Fats that  I thought a little
10700	dice-shakin would be jolly, and since  he wanted to get off ship,  he
10800	said right-ho,   and we  took the next  train. Well, guvnor,  when we
10900	got  there Fats  was all hot  to play  this game  the Frenchies have,
11000	called roojienewar, and so I was watchin him, tellin  him what a fool
11100	he was  (I have  this system for  whist), and all  of a sudden  I saw
11200	her! and I  said to Fats  (I'd told  him all about  her), "There  she
11300	is!" and he  said "Where?" and I  said "There!" and he  said "Where?"
11400	and I said "Just  there!" and he said "Where?" and I said "There, you
11500	ass!" and he said "Don't be silly."  And so I said "What do you  mean
11600	silly?"  And  he  said  "That's my  cousin  Georgina's  school-friend
11700	Sally."  And so I asked him  to introduce me and  he said he was just
11800	about to start a winning streak and I said it wasa  matter of the old
11900	life-and-death variety and  he said he would after  one more spin and
12000	I said I thought  we went to  school together after  all and he  said
12100	oh, all right.  She was sitting  in a corner  and she seemed  kind of
12200	sad,  so I  was very,  don't you know,  admiring, thinking  that that
12300	might get her  spirits up, and I  heard her whisper  to Fats "Who  is
12400	that awful ass, Freddy?"  so I knew she noticed me  at least. So Fats
12500	popped  off to play some more, and I  must say I didn't mind awfully.
12600	She seemed to be worried about something, and I  said "Penny for your
12700	thoughts, what?"  and she said "I  beg your pardon." and  I said "Oh,
12800	quite all right, quite, quite, what?"  and she said "Um." and I  said
12900	"Lovely  evening, what?"  and  she said  "Quite."  and I  said  "Yes,
13000	quite, what, what?"  and she said "Must you keep saying what? all the
13100	time?" and I  said "What?" and  she said  "You keep saying  'what?'."
13200	and I  said "'What?'?"  and she said  "Quite." and I  said "Oh,  I am
13300	sorry,  I say, I must  endeavor to correct that,  what?" and she said
13400	"Oh, never mind...oh, I'm sorry  to be so picky, you must  excuse me,
13500	but..." and I said "Picky?"  and she said "Yes, I..." and I said "Oh,
13600	I wouldn't call you  picky, no, I wouldn't,  picky? oh no, I..."  and
13700	she said "Thanks  awfully, I'm afraid I  am being picky, but  you see
13800	I've a  great deal on my mind just now." So  I said "Is there any way
13900	I can be of service, I mean  to say, what?" and she said "Perhaps  it
14000	would do  me good to  get it off  of my mind.  Oh dear, I  don't know
14100	that  I  should bore..."  and  I said  "Not  at all.  Look  here, you
14200	haven't been losing money at the tables, have you?  Because if that'≥
14300	all, I-"  and she said (and she  blushed just like a rose,  I mean to
14400	say, a rose!), "Oh no,  well, hardly at all,  but you see that's  not
14500	the real  problem, now do  you promise not  to interrupt?  Good, now,
14600	its like this..." and she stopped and thought for a second.\.
14700	
     

00100	\F2\CChapter the Ninth  \F0 \J "I  don't know what Freddy's  told you
00200	about me.  [said  Lady Sarah after a moment] No,  hush,  please don't
00300	interrupt.  I'm an  orphan-sshh!-at least I  thought I was an  orphan
00400	until quite lately.  My mother was the Right  Honorable Marie Pringle
00500	til  she  married my  father,   Lord  Sandwich Palindrome,    after a
00600	two-week's whirl-wind  courtship that  was  the talk  of London.  The
00700	happy couple  were to take  a Cook's Tour  round the world  for their
00800	honeymoon,  but  as they  were passing  through Darkest  d'Nigo-don't
00900	jump  around so!-my  father  was  taken  deadly ill  with  a  strange
01000	tropical  malady. My  mother  stayed by  his bedside  night  and day,
01100	never sleeping,   nursing  him constantly.  For a  little over  eight
01200	months he remained in an oblivious  torpor, then for two weeks he had
01300	a  raging fever.  She was told  that at the  end of  the fortnight he
01400	would surely  die. The  doctors could do  nothing. It  was said  that
01500	there was a  native doctor who might be able to  cure it, but that he
01600	refused to come into  town or treat  white men.   Towards the end  of
01700	the second  week...my  mother...experienced discomfort...she  slipped
01800	away  for  two  hours  and I  was  born...when  she  returned to  the
01900	sickroom,   my  father  was  nowhere  to be  found!    They  searched
02000	everywhere;  my mother  personally dispatched  seven pukka  sahibs to
02100	look for  him,  they never returned; all efforts were to no avail; it
02200	was thought  that in  his weakened  state (having  taken nothing  but
02300	pureed quibah beans  and cod-liver oil for the  last eight months) he
02400	had probably  been snatched  up and  eaten by  a mosquito-hawk.  When
02500	this was borne in on  my poor mother, her grief overcame  her and she
02600	died of a broken  heart.  I was raised by distant relatives in London
02700	and have always  believed myself  to be an  orphan.  Then  one day  a
02800	strange thing happened. What?  Yes,  I would,  rather."
02900	
03000		At this point I thought Sally  looked, don't you know,  pale.
03100	Peaked,  what? So I offered to fetch her an orange squash.\.
03200	
03300	
03400	\F2\CChapter the  Tenth F0 \J After Sally'd sloshed the orange squash
03500	down the old  hatch she seemed to  feel a little perkier.  "Thank you
03600	very much, Egfurt."  she said and I said "Oh,  here now, mustn't call
03700	me Egfurt, what?  Call me Ferdy.  All my friends  do. Ferdy,  y'know?
03800	Ferdy this  and  Ferdy that,  but Ferdy.   So-  Ferdy? Oh,  smashing,
03900	what,   what, what?" and she  said "Of course.  And  you must call me
04000	Sally." (Been calling  her Lady  Sarah, y'know) So  I said  "Charming
04100	name,   what?  Once knew  a man  had a  wizard greyhound  named Sally
04200	Riley.  No relation, of course, I mean,  no comparison,  what, what?"
04300	and she said (laughed like  an angel) "Yes, quite." And I  said "Most
04400	distressin  story, this.  I mean  to  say very  sad.   Tragic  and so
04500	forth." and she  said,   "You're very understanding.  Let me  finish,
04600	I'll explain quite briefly.
04700	
04800		I'd  gone   to  visit   Iarne  Cosifussimmons,  another   old
04900	school-friend  of mine,  at  her house,  Kushings,   in  Wessex. We'd
05000	fallen into  each  other's  arms  at  a party  for  sponsors  of  the
05100	'Relicts of Sahibs' Fund, not having  seen each other for six months,
05200	since  we'd graduated.   So I went to  stay with her  for a week. She
05300	was telling me all about how she'd been traveling  since she'd gotten
05400	out: she'd  gone to  all sorts of  marvelous places, Matanuska,   and
05500	Kurdistan, and  Mustang,  and Minas  Gerais,    and Rapa  Nui,    and
05600	Munza-Mulgar,    and  Pickle Crow,    and  Novosibirsk,    and  Alice
05700	Springs: and  she happened to tell me about  this safari she went on.
05800	It was only $70  a head for the  afternoon (Iarne is fearfully  rich.
05900	That's why  she got  into school,   even though  the Cosifussimmonses
06000	made  their  money  in  trade.) and  there'd  been  this  darling man
06100	leading the safari,  with piercing blue eyes and a  strong chin,  and
06200	a fascinating  romantic scar  shaped like a  heart on his  left hand.
06300	She said they asked him how he  got the scar, and he said he  thought
06400	he could recall having been struck by a brick  when he must have been
06500	only a  tiny child, but of course Iarne was  sure he'd gotten it from
06600	a charging  cameleopard, or  an  Assyrian Koskesh  or something.    I
06700	nearly fainted  dead away. My father  had had a heart-shaped  scar on
06800	his  left hand, from, when he was  four years old, having been struck
06900	by a brick!  I  questioned Iarne like a policeman. She could  tell me
07000	nothing more,   as she'd spent  most of that  afternoon flirting with
07100	one of the bearers.  And that was  all. As soon as my week was up,  I
07200	bid Iarne a fond farewell,  and flew to  the tourist agency where she
07300	had taken  her patronage. They referred me  to their branch office in
07400	Nairobi. I took  my christening money  and flew  to Nairobi the  next
07500	day. There they referred me to  their branch office in d'Nigo City so
07600	I  took my graduation money and  took a train, and  then a 'bus,  and
07700	then a bushplane, and then  a lorry, and then a palanquin,  to d'Nigo
07800	city. There a  skinny old man named Elijah Foot,  of all things, told
07900	me the following tale.\.
08000	
08100	
08200	\F2CChapter the  Eleventh \F0  \J  "A heart-shape  scar?   Funny  you
08300	should ask.   Yes, I know the feller  you mean.  Major  Biggar. Buck,
08400	they  call him.   Oh,  he's an  odd  one. Ayuh,  he's been  doing the
08500	occasional tour for us since I don't know when. He could be  the best
08600	whitehunter  around since  Jim 'Tigerbane'  Corbett died.  Of course,
08700	that  was in  India...Weel now, let  me think.  Lord how  it takes me
08800	back!   Must have been,  oh,   eighteen, twenty  yeats back we  first
08900	heard of him. Workin  outa Quahaug Falls with two Waziri. Free-lance.
09000	Heard folks  saying  some  mighty  nice  things  about  him.  Finally
09100	reckoned I'd better go see for myself. Ayuh.   Watched him work, went
09200	out  with him on one  of his little  look-sees, decided he  was a man
09300	worth hiring. Put  it to him straight.  Don't believe in  pussyfootin
09400	around.   No mam.   He was agreeable.   Asked him for  references. He
09500	was  quiet a  minute,   then  he says,  "Elijah,   I'm much  afraid I
09600	cannot supply you with what you ask." And then before  I could so much
09700	as  swaller my tbaccer  he tells  me the following  story the  like a
09800	which I ain't never heard before er since.\.
09900	
10000	
10100	\F2\CChapter the Twelfth
10200	\F0
10300	\J	Oh dear,  Elijah,   don't look  so
10400	sour,  or I will be quite \F1too\F0 frightened  to tell you my story.
10500	That's  better, I  suppose.  I have  no references.  I  have \F1no\FO
10600	references, Elijah darling, because I have no past! Yes,  I am  a man
10700	without  a   past!     Isn't  that  \F1dramatic?\F0   The  \F1very\F0
10800	\F1first\F0 thing  I can recall except for some very hazy things that
10900	don't  count,   is   waking   up  and   finding   myself  to   be   a
11000	\F1full-grown\F0 man, about \F1twenty\F0  years of age, with a rather
11100	nice body, though  a bit \F1thin\F0,  and being tended  by all  these
11200	\F1lovely\F0  black people.    It seemed  I'd  been very  \F1sick\F0.
11300	Well, I  \F1took stock\F0,  so you might say,  to see\F1 what sort of
11400	a person I was\F0?  And I found out I  was \F1English\F0, and a  very
11500	good shot,  and quite fond  of animals,  and I could  dance divinely,
11600	and  all sorts of  fascinating little  facts like that  (did you know
11700	I'm left-handed?),  but I  couldn't make  head nor  tail of  anything
11800	else! And  it seemed as  though I remembered  something very terrible
11900	had happened with  someone named Marie,   but you'll  agree,   that's
12000	not really  much help! And  the natives  were absolute darlings,  but
12100	all they  could say was that  I'd crawled out of  the jungle one day,
12200	deathly ill,  and  they'd taken care  of me.  So  I decided, that  it
12300	didn't much matter, since I was  perfectly happy here, and the Waziri
12400	were teaching  me all these enchanting facts about the jungle and the
12500	animals! so I just haven't worried about my mysterious  past up until
12600	now, because of  course, Elijah dearest I can  quite see your wanting
12700	references,  only I haven't any! Though,   if you could see your  way
12800	clear, not that I  ask it, of course, to hiring  me occasionally, I'd
12900	be  everlastingly grateful,  because  I do need the  money.  Oh dear,
13000	that does sound so  mercenary,  but its not  really,  bcause I  don't
13100	mean the money for  my self! You see, Elijah,  only  a few weeks ago,
13200	I  met this  fascinating old man,   who's just  given me  a whole new
13300	direction in life! You see, I'd just shot this  enormous big he-lion,
13400	when suddenly,  suddenly,  suddenly,  this wizened little man stepped
13500	out from nowhere, and said in the funniest little voice, "You  should
13600	be ashamed of  yourself,  young  man!  You  aren't going to  eat that
13700	lion, are  you? You aren't going  to wear his skin,  are you? And yet
13800	you wantonly  slay this  magnificent creature!"  Well,   my  goodness
13900	gracious, I  was surprised!  So  I asked him who  he was.  "I  am Sir
14000	Maurice  Searle,  K.G.B.   retired.  You  may have  heard  of  my son
14100	Kamuela who first interested me in the jungle. But I  am not here now
14200	to talk  of that. You do not  at first glance appear to  be a vicious
14300	and bloodthirsty young man." Well, naturally  I said I wasn't. And  I
14400	told him I didn't see any harm in shooting  lions, since they eat the
14500	cattle, after all. And then he spoke, as follows.
14600	
14700	 Chapter the Thirteenth 
14800	
14900	"Cattle!   What are cattle when compared with  a lion,  when compared
15000	with Panthera leo? Nothing! Young man, until the coming of  the white
15100	man, Africa possessed,  in all her fairness, the  most wonderful, the
15200	most  richly varied,   wildlife  anywhere on  God's green  earth! And
15300	what is becoming of  it?  It is being  destroyed!  It is  being shot,
15400	for   rugs,    for   coats,     for  hats,     for  trophies,     for
15500	rhinocerous-foot waste-paper  baskets!  And  which  are  the  animals
15600	being  killed? The  common,  rapidly  multiplying rats,  mice,  bats,
15700	bugs,    rabbits? No!  The  glorious predators  are  being  shot, the
15800	mightiest  foragers are  being  shot!  The  lion,  the  leopard,  the
15900	elephant, the giraffe,  the gorilla! The balance of  nature is upset!
16000	The   population  of  vermin  will  zoom   out  of  control,  die  of
16100	starvation,  and  join  their  mighty  cousins  in  the  oblivion  of
16200	extinction! Africa will be a  wasteland! And you talk of cattle! Pah!
16300	Do you think God  put the Elephant  here on this  Earth so that  tiny
16400	children from here to hell could be forced  to play scales on pianos?
16500	Do  you think God put  the Alligator here  on this Earth  so that fat
16600	old bags could have bags? Do you think that God put the Lion  here on
16700	this earth  so that you could  have your picture taken  standing over
16800	the  corpse of one, looking remarkably stupid?  Well,  I'll tell you!
16900	No!  He didn't! No!  Put that in your pipe  and smoke it! Barbarian!"
17000	And he  turned and started  to walk off!   Well, I  tell you,   I was
17100	absolutely stunned!  You could have  knocked me over with a  feather!
17200	A tiny  feather! I mean,  I'm just not  used to being  addressed that
17300	way! No,   indeed. But,  all the same,   what he said seedmed to make
17400	a certain sense. So I  asked him to wait,  and I made him explain  it
17500	all to  me very carefully,  and it  did make sense.   I asked  him to
17600	tell me  what I could do, and he said that was entirely up to me, and
17700	then he  had  to go  off, looking  for material  for  his son's  next
17800	movie,  since there  wasn't much  in the  way of  local  color around
17900	there. Well,  Elijah, I thought about what he had to say, and it  was
18000	all so true!  And I've decided to start  a wildlife preserve, only of
18100	course that's going  to take simply tons of money, and that's why I'd
18200	appreciate it so much if you were to be so
     

00100	delightful as  to hire me  even though I  don't have  any references.
00200	And  these darling  Waziri of  mine could come  too, of  course. Ever
00300	since the  rest of them  were stolen  by the  white slavers,  they've
00400	been  simply  devoted to  me.  Oh,  Elijah,  do say  something!  This
00500	suspense is killing me!"
00600	
00700	 Chapter the Fourteenth
00800	
00900	  Now, I told him  then that I  didn't give a hoot  in hell about his
01000	references, so  longs he did  a days work  for a  days pay. And  he's
01100	worked for  me ever since,  up to just  a little while  ago. Now, the
01200	only trouble  I've ever  had with  that boy,  seein as  how he  don't
01300	drink, or  cuss, or  spit, or  chase women,  is that  he won't  shoot
01400	animals.  Now, thats somewhat of  a handicap, when you  come to think
01500	on it. He  only got the  tourists with children,  and the Ladies  Day
01600	parties, and those  folks from National Geographic what  just wants a
01700	take  pictures. So  we couldn't  pay him  much, and lately  he's been
01800	actin kinda sulky,  been in the business  all these years, and  still
01900	ain't got his game farm or  whatever t'hell it is. So now, one day he
02000	comes to me, and says he's goin off to the Wilds surrounding  Darkest
02100	d'Nigo, and  see if  he can find  the fabulous  Idol's Eye Ruby,  and
02200	would he be able  to get his job back if it was a washout? And I said
02300	he sure would, and  he shook my hand, and  made a little speech,  and
02400	took off  like a bat out  of hell. And  I ain't heard nothing  of him
02500	since  that day, miss. But he's the  feller you mean, all right, with
02600	that scar. Sorry I can't be of more help, miss.
02700	
02800	 Chapter the Fifteenth 
02900	
03000	
03100	I questioned Mr. Foot closely, but he said that  there was no knowing
03200	when and  if Major Biggar, and of  course I was at once  sure that he
03300	was my father and suffering from amnesia, was going to come back.  So
03400	I asked him about the Idol's Eye Ruby, and  he said that somewhere in
03500	the  very deepest  depths of  the  fervid wilderness  surrounding the
03600	colourful but tiny outpost (he showed me a pamphlet) of  d'Nigo City,
03700	there is the ruined temple  of some grotty old vanished civilisation.
03800	And  inside there is  this huge statue,  an idol, I  forget what this
03900	one is  called,  anyway, in  the centre  of its  forehead  it has  an
04000	enormous eye,  which is actually  a ruby. And  it must be  just about
04100	the biggest ruby known to  man, so its worth  ever so much. Only  the
04200	trouble  is,  there's  this  cult  of  worshippers,  who  make  human
04300	sacrifices to  it, and kill anyone that tries to  look at the Idol or
04400	come anywhere near it, and besides, no one knows exactly where  it is
04500	because its very well hidden, and  as a general rule, people who find
04600	their  way  there don't  come  back. But  of course  Daddy  must have
04700	decided to try his luck and see if he could get the  ruby and sell it
04800	and  use  the  money  to  start  an animal-park  and  I'm  so  afraid
04900	something's happened  to  him! Well,  I  went  back to  my  hotel  in
05000	Nairobi, and I was  trying to thinkwhether I should try  to find him,
05100	when  I  got  a wire  from  my  lawyers. It  said  that  some distant
05200	school-friend  of  Daddy's  had  died  and  left  him  thousands  and
05300	thousands of  pounds, except that if  he was really dead,  it was all
05400	to go  to the 'Relicts of Sahibs' Fund. And, the thing is, I feel odd
05500	saying this to  a stranger, I'm  frightfully poor. I  told you I  was
05600	raised by  relatives, well, that's  my Aunt Victoria,  and she's only
05700	got her pension  now, and I  can't take anything  more from her,  and
05800	though I've  got a job  (as a counter-girl  at Wimpy's), it  costs so
05900	awfully  much to  keep up  one's position, which,  as I'm  either the
06000	last, or the next to last, of the Palindromes, I simply must  do. And
06100	to top it  all off in the  most disagreeble way, I got  a second wire
06200	saying  Aunt Victoria had contracted Angolan  Acne, and would have to
06300	go into a  sanatorium in Geneva  and undergo three year's  treatment.
06400	So I  knew I just had to  get in touch with Daddy.  So that's why I'm
06500	here."
06600	
06700	 Chapter the Sixteenth 
06800	
06900	I asked Sally  if she  wouldn't like  another orange  squash and  she
07000	said she'd already  imposed too much,  and I said she  hadn't imposed
07100	at all and it  was quite hot and she said she'd taken up a great deal
07200	of my time and I said it'd been the pleasantest two hours of  my life
07300	and she  said as  a matter of  fact she wasn't  really thirsty.  So I
07400	said  I hadn't  quite understood  one thing  about her story  and she
07500	said what  was that? and  I said I  didn't quite  follow why she  was
07600	here, not that I meant  to complain. She blushed again! The loveliest
07700	colour. And she said  "Oh, Ferdy [she called  me Ferdy!] I thought  I
07800	explained that! I've got  to have some money, just a  little stake so
07900	I can  hire a sahib and some bearers and  go look for Daddy. And this
08000	nice old man I met at Ascot last year told me this  infallible system
08100	for winning  at roulette.  Only it  hasn't begun  working yet.  But I
08200	expect  it will. He  told me  it was sure-fire,  whatever that means.
08300	And like taking  candy from a  baby. And it  only cost me a  tanner."
08400	And I  said "Oh, ah,  here now, Sally!  I'm afraid you've  been taken
08500	for a  ride, don't  you know."  and I  explained to  her about  there
08600	being no  such thing as  an infallible system  (except at  whist, and
08700	that's  not a  lady's  game, but  I didn't  tell  her that.)  and she
08800	seemed almost to droop like a flower, or a dog you've  spoken harshly
08900	to. And I said "I say, Sally, how  much of the old green do you need?
09000	Because  I'm simply loaded. I mean to-"  and she said "Thanks ever so
09100	much, Ferdy, but  I couldn't do  that." and I  said "Oh, ah. I  quite
09200	see  that. Noblesse oblige,  what?" And  she said "Don't  worry about
09300	me, I'll manage. Thanks  so much for  listening to me  go on." and  I
09400	said "Here, don't go!  So soon, what? I've just had  a simply ripping
09500	idea.  I've just come from  d'Nigo, don't you know,  Fats and I. Know
09600	the area like the  back of my  hand. Could nip back  down and have  a
09700	look round  for your pater,  what, what?" and she  said Oh no  and so
09800	forth,  but  I  finally  wore  her  down,  what?  Told  her I  needed
09900	something  to  do,  she  insisted  on  coming.  I  said  it  was  too
10000	dangerous, she  said it was her  right. Had to give  in. So. Bringing
10100	her Aunt Vistoria's old  school-friend Honoria as chaperone.  Leaving
10200	next week, don't  you know. She's  been packing. Fats'  been packing.
10300	Innoculations and  so forth. I've just come  back from spying out the
10400	land. Think I have a pretty good idea where the jolly old  Temple is.
10500	Plan to have  Sally and so forth  wait in d'Nigo City while  I nip in
10600	and  look for Lord Palindrome and maybe  the ruby too, what? Suddenly
10700	found out,  dropped by  the Drones  Club  to pick  up my  sword-cane,
10800	found out I'm  supposed to have shoved off.  Shuffled off this mortal
10900	coil, what?  Alas, poor  Ferdy,  I knowed  him  well, and  so  forth.
11000	Kicked the  bucket as  it were. Handed  in my  potatoes and all  that
11100	rot.  Thought I'd stop in  and give you the  good word, guvnor., next
11200	of kin, blood is thicker than, what? Eh, what?"
11300	
11400	 Chapter the Seventeenth 
11500	
11600	Upon the  end of  this outlandish  tale, I  knew not  what to  think.
11700	Repressing my  only too natural  surprise, I considered the  story. A
11800	scientist,   my  boy,   is  trained   to  seek   for  flaws   in  the
11900	smoothest-seeming  of theories.  So  it  was that  my  attention  was
12000	directed  unerringly to the  principal weak  point in  young Egfurt's
12100	saga. Why was he here? His  tale of familial connetions was all  very
12200	well, and  in another case  I might have  accepted it  without demur,
12300	but  young Egfurt, even before  he attained his  majority, has always
12400	been notoriously  lax  in  such  matters,   to  the  extent  that  it
12500	constituted a major  failing. He is the only person  to my knowledge,
12600	ever  to have forgotten to  attend his own  birthday-party. He is not
12700	known to have sent  a single card in  his entire career. And  my late
12800	sister once  told me that  he never once  remembered to take  off his
12900	hat when  speaking to  his  female relatives  on  the street.  So  of
13000	course I was  suspicious. Ceteris paribus,  I knew that  Egfurt would
13100	never have  come to call on me. I at  once charged him with this, and
13200	he had  the grace to  admit it,  somewhat sheepishly.  I demanded  at
13300	once to  know his true motivation.  Said he: "Well, guvnor,  the fact
13400	is,  didn't  want to  go  into this  Temple  of the  Idol  biznai all
13500	unprepared, fools rush in and  so forth, what? Happened to  meet this
13600	nice old  chappie in the 'Denizens  of the Underworld'  pub in d'Nigo
13700	City, gave me a sleeping-draught for a tanner (first he tried to  put
13800	it in my  kahlua&cream, but I  was too quick  for him), said  it puts
13900	anyone  that drinks  it, or  even gets  a  good whiff  of it,  into a
14000	swoon, y'might say, for the longest  time. Tried it on a canary  back
14100	at the Raffles;  keeled right over. Works all right.  Thought I might
14200	get you  to put it in an atomizer kind of thingummybob for me, seeing
14300	as how  you  do all  this chemistry  stuff. Spray  it  at the  temple
14400	guards,  rescue Lord Palindrome  from durance  vile (if  they haven't
14500	already eaten him  or what-have-you), maybe  glom the ruby,hey?  rush
14600	out, and  bob's-your-uncle! Sound  plan, what,  what? Mostly  Sally's
14700	idea. (Course it has  a few flaws) Thinks I'm going to let her come."
14800	Frowning as I  of course  did on  my young kinsman's  levity, I  will
14900	confess to  you that  I was  fascinated. By  an incredible  stroke of
15000	luck, my  foolish great-nephew had laid his hands (or so my deduction
15100	ran) on an extract of that rarest and most  incurable of all Tropical
15200	Diseases,  Rocky Mountain  Spotted  Terman! If  I could  only  get my
15300	hands on it, it would probably in  all actuality be but about half  a
15400	year's work  before I  could stand  before the  Annual Conference  on
15500	Fevers,  Blights, Agues, and Spazzattacks,  and announce my discovery
15600	of a Cure!  A crowning acheivement fit  for my life  of hard work  in
15700	the area!  I would  be showered  with all kinds  of honours!  I would
15800	even  be permitted  to  select the  Latin name  for the  disease! All
15900	kinds of fancies  flitted through my brain;  Insensibilis laurencius!
16000	Delirious clotildis!  But then it was that  an unworthy thought first
16100	crossed my mind. At first I thought that we should split the  extract
16200	between  us,  but  then  I  thought  that,  though,  judging  by  its
16300	virulence, the  stuff should not be too  hard to culture, having more
16400	of it would allow  my work to progress  much faster. Perhaps I  could
16500	fob off the  flippant Egfurt with some liquid  substitute. And, alas,
16600	that was the beginning of my tragic downfall.  
16700	
16800	Chapter the Eighteenth 
16900	
17000	Recalling  how my young relative had  detected his supplier's initial
17100	effort to drug him, I determined to make the  substitution out of his
17200	sight.  I pretended  to be  eager  to be  of assistance  to  him, and
17300	taking the  little bottle  of ochre-coloured  fluid he  proffered,  I
17400	hurried off towards  the laboratory located  behind my office.  To my
17500	chagrin,  however, I  had not  gone more  than a  few steps  down the
17600	hallway when I heard  Egfurt coming after me;  "I say, guvnor, may  I
17700	watch?" At that  moment I collided with my lissome  Clotilde, who was
17800	carrying   a  jar  containing  a   preserved  Guinea-pig.  I  hastily
17900	whispered to her to prepare an atomizer full of  water, and add three
18000	drops of Burnt Siena #4  (for colouration), and leave it by the small
18100	pipette-stand, and she went docilely off  to do my bidding. I  turned
18200	to deal with Egfurt. I must say, it says  a great deal for that young
18300	man's feeling  for Lady Sarah Palindrome that  he did not even notice
18400	Clotilde  as she  sashayed  down  the  hallway  in  her  form-fitting
18500	laboratory-coat. I  at once agreed that  he might watch, in  order to
18600	allay  his suspicions, if he  had any, but suggested  that we go back
18700	and cork  the cognac-bottle  first. Though somewhat  bemused by  this
18800	thought,  he was amenable.  When we  reached my  office, I  stalled a
18900	little longer by insisting on showing him a snapshot of Clotilde  and
19000	myself  on  the  pier  at  Brighton.  (Which  he  was  almost  rudely
19100	uninterested  in, despite  the fact that  it showed  Clotilde wearing
19200	her  scantiest bathing-dress.)  Then  we  together  adjourned  to  my
19300	laboratory. Wearing  a gas-mask, before  his very eyes,  I transferrd
19400	the  contents of the  vial to  a clean atomizer.  Then, pretending to
19500	fear that  I  had spilled  a drop,  I  requested him  to  fetch me  a
19600	sponge,  from the  sink  behind him.  And  as he  did  so, I  quickly
19700	switched the atomizer with the  one Clotilde had left as  instructed.
19800	I flattered myself that  he had noticed nothing. And,  ah! would that
19900	he had!  For, no sooner than I had shown  my visitor out of the door,
20000	still thanking me and uttering  febrile ejaculations of what?, did  I
20100	return to my  laboratory, congratulating myself on the  success of my
20200	excursion   into  dishonesty,  only  to   find  my  darling  Clotilde
20300	stretched senseless  on  the floor!  What  more can  I say?  To  pile
20400	horror  upon  horror,  the  vial  from  which  she  had  inhaled  had
20500	shattered on  the floor,  and the  dregs had  been slupped  up by  my
20600	darling's Pekinese, Potemkin, who  lay supine beside her. I  told you
20700	that there was one  hope. It is that, in the time remaining before my
20800	darling lapses into that final fatal fever, some cure can  somehow be
20900	uncovered.  Unfortunately,   my  heart  precludes  my   ever  leaving
21000	England." Here Sir Laurence opened one rheumy eye and peered at me.
21100	
21200	 Chapter the Nineteenth 
21300	
21400	My  feelings at  that  moment were  stronger than  I had  ever before
21500	experienced. I lost no time in assuring Sir Laurence  that I would do
21600	anything in my  power to help Clotilde. For this  I gave him my word.
21700	I was somewhat chagrined  to discover that Sir  Laurence had no  plan
21800	in mind other than that I should travel  to Africa and somehow obtain
21900	more of  this ochre extract, or, better  still, a ready-made Cure. In
22000	fine, his attitude was, 'Let George do it'. But an  Englishman's word
22100	is his bond. That very day,  I notified my solicitors, set my affairs
22200	in  order,  and  wrote  an affectionate  note  to  my  only surviving
22300	relative, a  cousin thrice-removed  of my  grandmother's, an  Honoria
22400	Thrapstissle,  in Kent.  I booked  the next  flight to  Nairobi, with
22500	connexions to d'Nigo City. The  next morning, before leaving, I  paid
22600	a last call to the T- domicile. Sir  Laurence made a rather offensive
22700	little  farewell speech,  giving  me to  understand that  he  did not
22800	consider himself liable for any of my expenses, which I  tolerated in
22900	silence since  it came from the  father of my hoped-for  intended. He
23000	let  me  see Clotilde  one  last time.  She lay,  pale,  radiant, and
23100	unconcious,  upon   a  couch.   How  fair   she  was,   and  what   a
23200	heart-breaking sight!  Sir Laurence began to discourse  upon her many
23300	charms, and  I  knew that  I  could  not retain  my  equanamity  nuch
23400	longer. Shaking  Sir  Laurence's hand,  I cast  a last  glance at  my
23500	unhappy Clotilde, and  departed. I hailed a taxi for the airport, and
23600	arrived the next day (there were  some delays) in Nairobi. I made  my
23700	way  thence to  d'Nigo City.  Depositing my  belongings at  the Hotel
23800	Raffles,  I asked the town constable  for directions to the 'Denizens
23900	of the Underworld' tavern.  Regarding me closely he  reluctantly gave
24000	me  the desired  information. I  entered and  to my  dismay discerned
24100	that half  the  contents  of  the  establishment  were  elderly  men.
24200	Beginning at one  end, and moving  towards the other, I  commenced to
24300	question  each  in  turn.  They  were  only  too  eager  to  talk,  I
24400	discovered, but  since most  were English  vacationers attempting  to
24500	collect local colour, they were  more hindrance than help, especially
24600	as  I  found it  difficult to  courteously  detach myself  from them.
24700	Finally, however, I met one rather wrinkly gentleman  who appeared to
24800	be what  is commonly known as  a 'downy one' and who  knew the d'Nigo
24900	area. At once I asked him if  he could supply me with Rocky  Mountain
25000	Spotted Terman  extract.  He gave  me a  quizzical  glance. "I  don't
25100	quite  get your drift,  young man."  he said "Reds?  Bennies? Uppers?
25200	Haile Selassie  Gold?  Clear Light?  STP?  MDA? Hash  oil?  Chocolate
25300	Mescaline? Kumiss?  Hashish?" "Pardon  me." I said.  "I fear  I don't
25400	understand.  Specifically, I am looking for  a substance which was at
25500	one time obtainable  here, which causes  prolonged coma, high  fever,
25600	and ultimately  death, over  a period of  between six months  and two
25700	years. Or a cure, if such is extant." The old man stared at me.  "You
25800	remind me of  an ape, young man."  he said. "Come back  tomorrow. Its
25900	closing time."
26000	
26100	 Chapter the Twentieth 
     

00100	
00200	 Since at  that moment the  constable came in and  glared ferociously
00300	around,  I returned  to my  hotel. I  spent the  next morning  in the
00400	waitingroom of  the  town doctor,  who,  after  a four  hours'  wait,
00500	proved  to be  squiffed as  an  owl. He  was  unable to  give me  any
00600	information  about  the malady  in  question, as  he had  not  seen a
00700	patient in the last seven years, only having let me  in in hopes that
00800	as a  medical man whose brain  had not been sapped by  two decades of
00900	single-minded consumption  of unreasonable  amounts of  palm beer,  I
01000	would be  able to  advise him  about a  persistent sweatiness of  the
01100	palms.  I  advised  him  to  stop  drinking. Then,  (after  lunching)
01200	acutely concious of having done  nothing all day to help Clotilde,  I
01300	returned to the 'Denizens of  the Underworld'. A darts tournament was
01400	in progress.  To pass the time until the old gentleman should return,
01500	I joined in.  Having spent  some time at  the Drones Club  perfecting
01600	this art, I  came out the winner. As I was  partaking of my reward, a
01700	pint of what  the locals alleged  to be ale,  but which was  actually
01800	fermented quibah juice, I noticed the wrinkly  old man watching me. I
01900	forgot  myself so far  as to  drop my tankard  and hurry to  his side
02000	with questions  thronging to  my lips.  The old  fellow regarded  me.
02100	"You play a good game of darts."  he said, "Do you shoot?" "No sir, I
02200	do  not. I am opposed  to blood-sports." said I.  He beamed. His face
02300	became  yet  more  prune-like.  "Good,  good!  You  appear  to  be  a
02400	deserving young fellow. You remind  me of my son, whom I haven't seen
02500	in donkey's years. Therefore  I will tell you  this: The only way  to
02600	find that which you seek  is to go to the Temple of the  Idol." I was
02700	somewhat  downcast by  this  news. I  continued to  question  him. He
02800	stated that  he  had  attempted  to drug  young  Lord  Egfurt  Quogue
02900	because he  had admitted to  having attempted to shoot  an endangered
03000	Fouebird.  He further said that he had  obtained the deadly elixir in
03100	an episode  which he  refused to  retail  to me,  which had  occurred
03200	while he  was searching out local  colour at the Temple  of the Idol.
03300	More he would  not say.  In response to  all my  queries he  replied,
03400	"You'll get in very  bad trouble, young man, if you  ask questions of
03500	the  wrong  people  in  this  town.  The  Servants  of the  Idol  are
03600	everywhere. But enough of this nana! Here I have a picture of  my son
03700	Kamuela astride a  bull-eland named Stong." and he  attempted to show
03800	me an  entire portfolio of snapshots of his son and various specimens
03900	of aboriginal fauna. Finally giving up, I returned to  the Raffles to
04000	ponder. It was  clear that I must search out  the Temple of the Idol.
04100	Donning my topee, I  stepped out and asked  the constable where  this
04200	edifice was located.  This gentleman told me  to go away or  he would
04300	arrest  me. Somewhat worried  by his uneasy  air, I  walked along and
04400	next addressed a tall young  coloured gentleman who was leaning on  a
04500	lamppost on the  corner of the street. He whisled  softly and pointed
04600	silently  to a pathway  leading into  the weedy heart  of an adjacent
04700	vacant lot.  I thanked him.  He made no  response. I  set off. To  my
04800	surprise, after five  minutes I still had not  reached the other side
04900	of the  lot,  which, though  thickly  overgrown, had  appeared  quite
05000	small. I walked on for three quarters of an  hour. The path grew ever
05100	narrower,  the  surrounding jungle  ever thicker.  Suddenly  I became
05200	aware of soft footsteps behind me. Then I knew no more.
05300	
05400	 Chapter the Twentyfirst
05500	
05600	 When  I regained  conciousness, it  was daylight,  but whether  more
05700	than one night had  passed, I could not say. I  was trussed and bound
05800	to  a pole which was being carried  into a low stoney cave surrounded
05900	by thick vegetation. To my  surprise, I was thrnwn down on  the floor
06000	next  another white man,  similarly bound.  My captors  then departed
06100	with nary a  backwards glance.  I turned to  my erstwhile  companion.
06200	"Where  am I?"  I  inquired.  He turned  to  me  (as best  he  could,
06300	hampered  as he  was by  the  bonds) and  exclaimed, "Hey!  You speak
06400	English! Far out. Finally, someone to talk to! I was beginning  to go
06500	crazy!" Patiently I  replied, "That I can well  understand. This cave
06600	has  a turbidly  distressing air  to it.  But, where is  this place?"
06700	"Search me." said the young  man, whom I adjudged to be  an American.
06800	More patient  questioning revealed him  to be a  young gentleman from
06900	Detroit named  Kevin Krushkov.  When I  politely inquired  about  his
07000	incongruous presence  in Equatorial  Africa (I  simply stated that  I
07100	was a medical  resarcher, not wishing to drag Clotilde's name through
07200	these sordid  surroundings), he  hemmed  a bit  and then  said,  "Ah,
07300	well, y'know, I was looking  for psilocybin mushrooms. They're suppos
07400	to  be  really righteous  smokes.  And all  of a  sudden  these wierd
07500	little spades  bopped  out  of the  woods,  y'know, and  grabbed  me.
07600	Really  fast, and I  didn't get  to use my  Karate. Strange."  I then
07700	broached to him the subject of escape, since he professed to  believe
07800	that we were shortly to  be fed to the Idol by  his devoted acolytes.
07900	Though  I  myself   envisioned  something  on  the  order  of  ritual
08000	sacrifice, I was bound  to agree that things  did not look too  rosy.
08100	He stated, on what authority I was  not quite clear, that we would be
08200	bound  until we were in  the outermost inner  fastness of the temple.
08300	We  would be  unbound  in  a sort  of  anteroom,  where we  would  be
08400	anointed and otherwise prepared  for the final ceremonial offering to
08500	the Idol: and it was here that  our only chance of escape lay,  since
08600	afterwards we would  again be trussed,  as chickens for the  spit. He
08700	further  stated that in this  anteroom there was a  small window high
08800	on  the  lefthand  wall.   At  this  point,  our  machinations   were
08900	interrupted by  the reentry  of our  captors, all of  whom were  of a
09000	singularly  dusky black  shade, almost as  if they  had been painted.
09100	Uttering savage cries, prominent  among which was the  word 'Ztangi!'
09200	which  my companion informed  me was  one of the  names of  the Idol,
09300	these wildmen seized us, and holding  us high above their heads,  and
09400	holding their noses, rushed  us out through a series  of subterranean
09500	passages,  shrieking  and kicking  out rhythmically.  True  to Master
09600	Krushkov's word, they took us to  a small stone room: and high up  on
09700	the lefthand  wall, was a tiny  window, through whose paneless  gap a
09800	little  greenish daylight straggled. Before,  however, one could make
09900	any attempt at escape, we  were hurled rudely and crashingly  into an
10000	enormous iron cauldron or  cooking-pot full of a strange dark liquid.
10100	Luckily for us it was no  more or less tepid than London  bath-water.
10200	Still, it  gave off eerie  fumes, which swam  through my  nostrils so
10300	that  my senses  reeled and  my  eyes seemed  to perceive  a thousand
10400	giddy shapes whirling in the spiral smoke. Strange  bodily sensations
10500	gripped me,  and my brain  went spinning as  they lifted us  from the
10600	drunken  brew with  enormous tongs. But  an Englishman  should be the
10700	master of himself  in any situation, and  the moment my feet  touched
10800	the floor,  I twisted from the  arms of my captors  (the bonds having
10900	dissolved) and crying, "For the Queen! Kevin, follow me!" I  attained
11000	the window's narrow sill in one mighty bound.  I turned and looked at
11100	the  exotic  scene  unfolded  in  the  dizzying  mists.  A  strangely
11200	shrunken and swarthy  Kevin waved  at me, cheerfully:  "I think  I'll
11300	stick around  for the  show! Good  luck, Georgie!" as  a new  host of
11400	natives  gripped  him  yet  more firmly,  and  bore  him  off.  I was
11500	stunned. What was this folly? Had the unhappy youth's  mind become so
11600	drug-sapped that  he cared  nought what became  of him? I  thought of
11700	going back  for him,  but I  had a  higher duty-to  Clotilde. With  a
11800	heavy heart I stumbled on through what appeared  to me a dank, thick,
11900	featureless, jungle. Thus  have I been doing for three days and three
12000	nights, until I  fortuitously came upon  your party.  I, at first,  I
12100	fear, mistook you  for the famous French  explorer, Gerard Tombereau.
12200	(That  is why I greeted you with 'Bon  soir') Had I but realised that
12300	you  were  a  fellow-Englishman,   I  would  not  have   objected  so
12400	vehemently  when your flunkeys  here tried  to force-feed me  on that
12500	revolting bean-mess. I fear  I must throw  myself upon your  mercies,
12600	Sir, in asking you to give me directions to d'Nigo City."
12700	
12800	 Chapter the Twentysecond
12900